It’s been a while since I looked into the mirror and paused to look at myself. The day was not unfolding in the manner I had envisioned, well nothing these last few years has really happened as I would have wanted it to. Planning simple things like having friends over for dinner, selling old furniture even deciding on a vacation has become a tussle of sorts. We simply don’t get along, like two uneven balls we simply jar together, our rough edges constantly grazing against each other making us look ugly and unpleasant, even to ourselves. That morning had started out well but soon over breakfast and discussion the topic got awry and then it was all downhill. Feeling deflated I could not stand there anymore, as such with COVID and working from home we have had enough of each other. A quick shower and a short walk later I find myself inside the train headed somewhere.
Somehow train rides always appealed to me, the constant rhythm of the movement, the passing houses and trees provided me with a calmness I so craved. It was the weekend and there was the pandemic, which meant that the compartments were all almost empty. As the world outside sped away my thoughts turned inwards like a worm working its way through the core. Love, that was the enigmatic word which I thought was reason enough to get married and stay married! Well, with age and time comes maturity and perspective. Relationships grow like creepers latching on without thinking too much until the thorns start cutting in. So, obviously with time I realised that love is not enough, you could love a person yet not be able to live with them after a point. You could love a person for who they are, yet still beg to differ.
When you stand on the sacred place and mouth ‘I do’, you somehow tend to overlook the strange matter of shifting perspectives and maturity. Perspectives at this point dictate a successful partnership when you are able to discuss, dream and plan together freely. When there is a mental match producing matching movements just like the different compartments in a train, different yet joined together. Marriage was much like a train ride.
I cannot discuss, dream and plan anymore with him. Our discussions turn bitter and into a shouting match. Our dreams don’t coincide. Our plans are separate, mostly mine fall through the crack. Well, there are simple things like love and respect but at this point they don’t exist or sound different like the letters in the word ‘rendezvous’, where one doesn’t really sound out the letters u and s.
Marriage is a huge commitment, a commitment to stay put through thick and thin but nobody warned me about shifting landscapes, about growing up and growing away, about saying ‘I do’ to a lover who cannot be your friend. Cutting away is hard and saying ‘I don’t’ tougher!
pulsingthoughts 