Surrender

Its hard enough to go through life with its ups and downs and its twists and turns.

To want something and not get it, to give that test, job interview, relationship or work your best shot and yet not succeed….”Not good enough” being the feedback.

It’s frustrating enough when one has to go through it, and more heartbreaking when one sees their child go through it unable to take that pain away.

I experienced that pain today…..excruciating it was!

The event was nothing massive but nonetheless it was (in her eyes).

I was a witness to her journey, to her wanting that prize more than ever, to putting in that work. She missed that prize and she is devastated. The tears do not stop and the sadness does not disappear.

In moments like this my faith in higher powers is infinitely restored, of the presence of some other forces which guide us and does what is best for us.

The presence of fate and destiny.

In these small snippets of life, with a heavy heart all I have to do is – Surrender……and hope that the big force somewhere steers my little one’s ship to the port, she most deserves.

Scars

Recently I had to undergo a surgery, one could say it was somewhere between a minor and a major. To me it was gargantuan….period.

Due to COVID measures I had to wait in the lobby before being led to the OT, all alone! All around me were nurses in scrubs, IV lines, drips, patients on beds, needles, doctors and specialists and lots of patient in blue gowns. The whole image might seem calm on the surface was actually terrifying in my head.

There were some very calm and even smiling patients and then there were some (like me..) who could not stop crying about what lay ahead!

Long story short I survived that surgery with a strong dose of anaesthesia and lots of pain killers. My recovery journey has begun and I have my days.

However, what I saw on that day as I waited patiently for my name to be called are scars. Some visible and some invisible. Older people in pain, faces creased up in worry, grey hairs aged with undergoing life. When we are young the world seems like your oyster, we are in charge and our attitude reflects that, defiant, bold, aggressive, loud…..with age comes realisation that life is not exactly going our way!

What replaces that attitude are humility, acceptance, wisdom and at times cynicism. A big role to play in this turn of events are unfortunately scars, some visible and some invisible!

Life some say are too short and some say are too long….what one forgets to add is you cannot grow old without scars! Some visible and some invisible!

What do I make out of life now?

A trip away

It was another break in our daily routine and another opportunity to go away on a holiday. Sometimes I feel like I live between two travels, so yes we went away for a couple of nights to a coastal town called Ocean Grove.

We rented a property through Airbnb and it was a lovely apartment, clean, well-maintained and aesthetic. The minute we arrived at that place we felt right at home. So comfortable did we feel, that at times we were reluctant to go out and explore our surroundings.

The apartment had all the creature comforts and its decor completely reflected the beach house ethos. So yes there we were in a beautiful house watching Netflix. At that moment a dilemma struck me….holiday means to relax, and taking a holiday away, means to explore, in my mind. The lines seemed to be blurring for me there. Why did we travel some few hours away from the hustle and bustle of city life to secure ourselves in a new place, to watch TV? Or, is this not a real holiday when we did nothing but relax, watching TV in our PJ’s all day?

The final verdict was we did step out, of course to eat and also for a hike. However the dilemma remains!

What should I be doing the next time around?

Small thoughts

As I journey through the decades of my life, I change, I evolve, I grow (old and as a person) and I repent.

Every decade of life brings forth challenges and that might seem insurmountable at that time but wise voices around you, tell you otherwise!

Having crossed the mid point of my life, I have to worry about my children as well as my ageing parents.

Both precious.

Both a love and a responsibility.

A voice haunts me……”you don’t have much time!!’, whatever that means….do I die young, does anything happen to my loved ones!

Loss at this stage seems like a mountain fast approaching as I whiz around on the freeway, juggling with my commitments.

Long ago newly married, I missed my mom so much that I wanted her to come stay with me, my grandma then quite ailing, actually pleaded with me to not call my mom, as grandma was quite frail and needed her help.

I chose to ignore with all the haughtiness of youth, deeming her selfish, today I think otherwise and she is no more.

Make no mistake I loved my grandmother, a thousand times over…..it was just that one fleeting moment, that ‘small thought’ which still haunts me.

Growing up I always wanted to see the wider world, experience living across different countries and never go back home. Home implied my home town, the city I grew up in.

Today I am so far away from home, that I cannot visit it on a whim and I cannot stay there permanently as I have ‘outgrown’ (the term is debatable) that place. However my soul calls that place ‘home’….one ‘small thought’ one day when I wished to be thousand miles away, bothers me now!

I do a job, the job is important as it gives me the wings to fly, dream and fulfil my desires. The job is important as it allows me share my love for a vocation, I stepped into several years ago. Yet there are days when things fall apart, everything seems grey and difficult and then a small thought in my head says ‘I don’t want to work anymore.’ However, I have grown up now and I know the impact of taking an action on a small thought.

Everyday several such thoughts cross my mind and several times I revise them about what is worth following through.

Small thoughts, big actions and a lifetime of repentance, growing up has not been easy. It has been a huge learning curve.

Gautam Buddha preached ‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.’

Small thoughts keep creeping back as the present is like a fleeting rainbow. The mind needs a holiday…..

One day at a time…

One day I felt lonely, the loneliness enveloped me like a shroud, cocooned me and comforted me and I got lost in the dark. It took me years to find my way back at the cost of precious time, friendships, self-esteem and opportunities lost.

One day I met a man and another, I was elated and decide to play safe. My heart said one thing but my head said another. I chose my head over my heart as of course that organ led me to darkness once….remember! Till date that decision cost me my everything, my happiness, companionship, my identity and my goals.

One day I decided enough it was and I wanted to move out….a little hand held onto me, tears streaming down her eyes, pleading ‘Don’t go!’ I stopped myself and waited for that little being to grow and bided my time.

One day COVID struck, the world shut down and life as we knew it, changed forever.

As I take one day at a time I realise how difficult it is to live in the present, I still watch the hours tick by, I still look at the next day. In the process I have forgotten to be happy, forgotten to live and have this gripping anxiety always. Be happy now, seems like an innocuous phrase but now is always linked to the past, paving way for the future. If the past is a dream and the future is hazy, what should I be happy about today, not knowing what is going to hit us the next moment?

I do

It’s been a while since I looked into the mirror and paused to look at myself. The day was not unfolding in the manner I had envisioned, well nothing these last few years has really happened as I would have wanted it to. Planning simple things like having friends over for dinner, selling old furniture even deciding on a vacation has become a tussle of sorts. We simply don’t get along, like two uneven balls we simply jar together, our rough edges constantly grazing against each other making us look ugly and unpleasant, even to ourselves. That morning had started out well but soon over breakfast and discussion the topic got awry and then it was all downhill. Feeling deflated I could not stand there anymore, as such with COVID and working from home we have had enough of each other. A quick shower and a short walk later I find myself inside the train headed somewhere.

Somehow train rides always appealed to me, the constant rhythm of the movement, the passing houses and trees provided me with a calmness I so craved. It was the weekend and there was the pandemic, which meant that the compartments were all almost empty. As the world outside sped away my thoughts turned inwards like a worm working its way through the core. Love, that was the enigmatic word which I thought was reason enough to get married and stay married! Well, with age and time comes maturity and perspective. Relationships grow like creepers latching on without thinking too much until the thorns start cutting in. So, obviously with time I realised that love is not enough, you could love a person yet not be able to live with them after a point. You could love a person for who they are, yet still beg to differ.

When you stand on the sacred place and mouth ‘I do’, you somehow tend to overlook the strange matter of shifting perspectives and maturity. Perspectives at this point dictate a successful partnership when you are able to discuss, dream and plan together freely. When there is a mental match producing matching movements just like the different compartments in a train, different yet joined together. Marriage was much like a train ride.

I cannot discuss, dream and plan anymore with him. Our discussions turn bitter and into a shouting match. Our dreams don’t coincide. Our plans are separate, mostly mine fall through the crack. Well, there are simple things like love and respect but at this point they don’t exist or sound different like the letters in the word ‘rendezvous’, where one doesn’t really sound out the letters u and s.

Marriage is a huge commitment, a commitment to stay put through thick and thin but nobody warned me about shifting landscapes, about growing up and growing away, about saying ‘I do’ to a lover who cannot be your friend. Cutting away is hard and saying ‘I don’t’ tougher!

Staying positive

So, the term break was on and as well as the lockdown.
What do we do?
The twins decided to voice their own thoughts on well-being, along with some of their friends!
It is the next generation’s first effort to address well-being amongst the young people in today’s world. They have curated and designed this magazine!
Please watch it on full screen and do give your valuable feedback on something to work on in the future!

Plight universal

So, I got the reference of this book from the book club, of which I am a member.

The book is set in South Korea in recent times. It is about this woman called Kim Jiyoung, her life sketched from the time before she was born till she became a mother to a baby girl.

Apart from the setting and the names of the characters, there is nothing much different to her plight as mine. The timeline of her life is almost the same as mine, her choices echo mine and maybe the situations too!

It’s 2021, yet we continue to talk about basic issues like maternity leave, equal pay for women, the yearning for a male child, and women in marriage.

The book touches me on several levels, that I was not alone as I manoeuvred my way through life, career choices, how I should be living my life and expectations from society at large. Maybe I was even lucky than a few, considering the fact that I got to have a career, that I got to choose who I wanted to marry and I was blessed with a not-so-meek personality.

The book saddens me a lot thinking that how much a girl/woman has to go through, to just be. The author narrates through the eyes of the counsellor, who is now the final stop for Jiyoung after enduring much in her life battling depression and anxiety after losing her identity!

So, woman of today give this book a go as it leaves you with an anger marinating in your heart waiting to scream out the change in today’s world. Being a mother to girls I surely hope so…….

Hanging clothes

I know the world has moved forward and now we wash clothes in a machine and dry them in a machine too! Well mostly, if you live in those parts of the world where the sun plays hide and seek or the weather changes at the drop of a hat!

So, the other day when the sun was shining brightly in the sky, I decided to hang my clothes out to dry. It felt so good, as I took out each piece of wet cloth and hung them out in an orderly manner. After I finished hanging them out, I took a good look at my backyard and it felt warm and welcoming. Suddenly the sight of hanging clothes in the backyard made the house seem like a home! Home, a warm, welcoming space which offers comfort and protection, not only from the world outside but from the world within. As Covid rages on, consuming people, life and ways of the world, our world within is also full of storm. Therefore the need of the hour is to turn our houses into home.

Hanging clothes that day gave me that window, clothes of different colours, shapes and sizes comforted me that I have people who live with me and love me. That there could be laughter and togetherness in all situations. The formal and the informal clothes made me aware that we are still going about our daily routines and the need to be grateful. The different colours made me understand that we still have colours in the world but we need to focus elsewhere to find it! The act in itself, when I decided where to hang what, implied I still had control over my life. A fistful of happiness.

Who knew that a simple task of hanging out the clothes could be a moment of introspection for me!

Happiness from a book

So, my reading life has been quite stunted lately, I start a book but i cannot finish it. Sometimes i read the first few pages and I lose interest! In this strange, grey land that I have been dwelling for sometime now, I came across this book called ‘The Deal of a Lifetime’ by Fredrik Backman. The blurb at the back of the book caught my interest also what was more significant was the size of the book. It is a novella with exactly 65 pages. I could finish it in one sitting and that was more enticing.

The book is very well written, in a cryptic, elusive fashion. Throughout the story the narrator engages with death personified as a middle-aged woman with a grey sweater, carrying a folder and a black pencil. I thought, that for the first time someone had the guts to give death the female gender, i found it intriguing! The narrator is a famous celebrity dying of cancer, however death always seemed to elude him by a whisker taking away from him instead his near and dear ones! Death had a weak spot for him. In the end his constant pleading to spare the life of a five year old girl in exchange for his, allows death to relent!

The book has several interesting ideas and quotes and a few them stuck in my head. I feel the need to pen it down so that it remains in context for a while. This quote on happiness is thus something which is from a different perspective. Especially when the narrator debates with himself why does everyone ask about his happiness!

“Happiness is for children and animals, it doesn’t have any biological function.

Happy people don’t create anything their world is one without art and music and skyscrapers, without discoveries and innovations.

All leaders, all of your heroes, they’ve been obsessed, they don’t devote their lives to curing illnesses or making planes take off.

The happy leave nothing behind.

They live for the sake of living, they’re only on earth as consumers.”

This interesting view point could be partially true as some of the world’s great geniuses had something amiss about them and they changed the due course of history. One could choose to agree or disagree, nonetheless it is a perspective.