As I journey through the decades of my life, I change, I evolve, I grow (old and as a person) and I repent.
Every decade of life brings forth challenges and that might seem insurmountable at that time but wise voices around you, tell you otherwise!
Having crossed the mid point of my life, I have to worry about my children as well as my ageing parents.
Both precious.
Both a love and a responsibility.
A voice haunts me……”you don’t have much time!!’, whatever that means….do I die young, does anything happen to my loved ones!
Loss at this stage seems like a mountain fast approaching as I whiz around on the freeway, juggling with my commitments.
Long ago newly married, I missed my mom so much that I wanted her to come stay with me, my grandma then quite ailing, actually pleaded with me to not call my mom, as grandma was quite frail and needed her help.
I chose to ignore with all the haughtiness of youth, deeming her selfish, today I think otherwise and she is no more.
Make no mistake I loved my grandmother, a thousand times over…..it was just that one fleeting moment, that ‘small thought’ which still haunts me.
Growing up I always wanted to see the wider world, experience living across different countries and never go back home. Home implied my home town, the city I grew up in.
Today I am so far away from home, that I cannot visit it on a whim and I cannot stay there permanently as I have ‘outgrown’ (the term is debatable) that place. However my soul calls that place ‘home’….one ‘small thought’ one day when I wished to be thousand miles away, bothers me now!
I do a job, the job is important as it gives me the wings to fly, dream and fulfil my desires. The job is important as it allows me share my love for a vocation, I stepped into several years ago. Yet there are days when things fall apart, everything seems grey and difficult and then a small thought in my head says ‘I don’t want to work anymore.’ However, I have grown up now and I know the impact of taking an action on a small thought.
Everyday several such thoughts cross my mind and several times I revise them about what is worth following through.
Small thoughts, big actions and a lifetime of repentance, growing up has not been easy. It has been a huge learning curve.
Gautam Buddha preached ‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.’
Small thoughts keep creeping back as the present is like a fleeting rainbow. The mind needs a holiday…..
pulsingthoughts 